The Week in Yesod
Six weeks ago, when I started this journey, I was at the Interfaith Seder with Rabbi Ted Falcon. To begin the Seder, he made us all repeat the following words out loud:
I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
With exactly whom I supposed to be with.
Doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
At times, I find it difficult to remember this. This week brought up a lot for me. The desert swirls around me. The sands of confusion inside and out. Feelings of joy and brokenness, elation and exhaustion, it all intermingles, the fragrance of life.
The sefirah of Yesod. The location is in the genital area. I go back and forth between sex and ego. In my youth, I was driven by both. And now in the desert it feels like a place of brokenness. I do not want to look at low self-esteem. I do not want to look at my aloneness. I do not want to look at the things I have created that have gone nowhere. I do not want to look at my creations yet unfinished. The sands are swirling.
In a moment of clarity I realize that I am all that I am. All my imperfections. The ones that lead me to manipulate. To put on a show. To put on a face. To accept my smaller self. I am all my triumphs. The ones that touch people through laughter and tears. The ones that allow my genuine self to emerge. A search for intimacy with imperfection. Being human. Celebrating human.
At a moment of incredible synchronicity, I am in a doctor’s office and across the room a friend in recovery is in the same office. We hug. We are both there to take care of ourselves, and for each of us it is challenging to do selfcare. The screwed up believe that if only everybody around us would be taken care of then we would be that whole complete human being. But in that moment, we get to bear witness on the action we take, the journey of selfcare. When I am greeted by a fellow traveler on this road of recovery I know:
I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be,
doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing,
with whom exactly I’m supposed to be with.
The music this week was soulful and soul-full.
Playlist for the week
Day 36. Chesed in Yesod. Thank You by Sly and the Family Stone
(The lovingkindness of the separate self. The celebration of self.)
Day 37. Gevurah in Yesod. Standing in the Shadows of Love by the Four Tops
(The shadow self. The polarities of love.)
Day 38. Tiferet in Yesod. Give Me Peace by George Harrison
(The heart space echoes as I search for peace. )
Day 39. Netzach in Yesod. I am a Child by Neil Young
(Accepting all the parts of me…man and the child.)
Day 40. Hod in Yesod. Walk Through the World by Marc Cohn
(Moving through the desert, I do not go alone. There is community.)
Day 41. Yesod in Yesod. Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye
(I have lived in darkness, I have dared to look deeper, I have sought a path of recovery…of healing.)
Day 42. Malchut in Yesod. Feet Fall on the Road by Bruce Cockburn
(In a week of being stirred up like the sands in the desert I am finally at peace with the journey. This song moves me to continue walking.)
Zack Hoffman 2017